Relational Habits…Do you have good ones?
FEATURED AFFILIATE OF THE MONTH: OCTOBER 2025
Paul Kuhn
This month we are recognizing Paul Kuhn and his wife Beth who have worked on their relational connection from the very beginning. Here is what Paul had to say about their recipe for success:
After 35 years with my partner, I can confidently say that lasting love is largely the result of good relational habits. What is a relational habit, you ask?
Let’s start with “What is a habit?” Habits are small actions we make with minimal thought or effort. Did you know?
Habits account for about 40% of our behaviors.
Habits contribute to our health, happiness, and success.
Relational habits are simply habits that define how we interact with our partner and impact our relationship satisfaction. Our unconscious relational habits, whether good or bad, influence the trajectory of our relationships.
Lasting love comes from choosing good habits and stopping bad ones. The three habits that have helped my relationship are daily check-ins, regular relationship meetings, and yearly marriage refreshers.
Habit 1 - Daily Connection
Daily connection is a commitment to spend 10 minutes daily connecting as friends. We share the highs and lows of the day, listen, empathize, and celebrate together. Research from positive psychology says that sharing happy news with your loved ones boosts the positive effects of the news. Don’t be shy - brag on yourself a little bit and invite your partner to join you in celebrating something good. The goal is to connect on a friendship level and be your partner’s best friend.
Why aren’t more people just doing this more organically? Many people tend to live a life of chronic stress, problem solving, and task orientation. People are more stressed, drained, and overwhelmed than previous generations. We understand. Schedules get busy. Not everyone is good or comfortable with expressing emotions and empathizing with others. However, once mastered, this daily habit will enhance comfort, closeness, and positive connection that will strengthens your bond for a lifetime.
Habit 2 - Weekly Relationship Meetings
We (Paul and his wife) were introduced to “Marriage Staff Meetings” while raising kids. We found ourselves living individual lives in a shared space, expecting the other to fill in the gaps. There was constant frustration and friction. The habit of meeting weekly to discuss schedules, priorities, and concerns transformed our interaction. We went from opponents to teammates. In the Gottman approach, we have a term for this The State of the Union meeting. A time to come together and review what is going well and team up on what is stressful every week.
Habit 3 - Annual Relationship Enrichment
I have my in-laws to thank for the annual tradition of a relationship enrichment weekend. For the first several years of our marriage, they gifted us a weekend “relationship enrichment conference.” I had never heard of such a thing. We joined other couples who were intentional about growing together in their relationship. We have set aside one weekend a year for the past 30 years to grow together. This habit is foundational to all the others and has introduced us to good habits while increasing our awareness of bad ones.
So the bottom line is this:
Love is more than chemistry; it is intentionally engaging in ways that cultivate intimacy. Loving someone means consciously eliminating relational habits that erode intimacy, such as criticism and defensiveness, and cultivating habits that nurture it, like expressing appreciation.
Here is why we are so happy Paul is part of our team of relational care experts:
I joined the Center for Relationships team because I share their passion for relationship education and helping couples develop the skills to achieve lasting love. Too often, couples wait until after their bad relational habits have put the relationship on life support. Give yourself, your partner, and your relationship the gift my in-laws gave me, a weekend together like our signature Gottman Art and Science of Love couples weekend retreat, to learn and discover habits that nurture a lifetime of intimacy. I hope to see you at one of the upcoming retreats or workshops. It is exciting to be part of a team passionate about Inspiring Love in relationships of all kinds. With just 3 regular habits, you can achieve the relationship of your dreams.
