Valentine’s Day Is Coming. Are You Ready to Be a Caring Partner?
Valentine’s Day is coming. It’s looming on the horizon, and if you live in the United States, chances are every retailer, grocery store, and online ad is working overtime to activate your unconscious romantic script.
Pink. Red. Glitter. Heart-shaped everything!
I confess that every year I greet this Hallmark holiday with a mix of anticipation, guilt, and dread. I don’t understand the need for such an explosive reminder of romance, from my grocery store to Walmart to the 7-11 on the corner. All the candy has been “cupified”, I cannot find a single chocolate that isn’t wrapped in sparkly pink foil. Even napkins had succumbed to Cupid’s arrows.
Did we all lose our collective minds? Is this what Valentine’s Day is meant to be?
As February 14 approaches, I can feel the collective angst in the air: the pressure, the expectations, the quiet fear of disappointing someone we love. Many people can’t wait for Valentine’s Day to be over so we can breathe a sigh of relief and move on.
I know I sound cynical. That probably comes with the territory when you spend decades working with couples in distress. And the truth is, most of the couples I see feel this same mix of dread and longing about Valentine’s Day.
For some, it becomes a brief truce in the middle of a long war, a sweet moment of connection or romance. For others, it’s a painful reminder of how much love is everywhere… except in their own relationship. And for single folks, especially those feeling alone, tender or self-conscious, February 14 can’t turn into February 15 fast enough.
This year, especially, Valentine’s Day lands differently for most of us. Our lives are filled with stories of heartbreak, loss, fear, and uncertainty. And yet millions of people will spend their hard-earned money on chocolates possibly made by slaves in some sweatshop, flowers flown across continents, and overpriced dinners—often not out of joy, but out of obligation.
“Expectations that are unspoken but felt in the space between people become obligations that must be met and this diminishes true love and intimacy.”
Somehow we’ve come to define romance as meeting an unspoken standard: the size of the bouquet, the restaurant reservation, the jewelry that promises to “make this Valentine’s Day mean more.”
But will it?
Decades of research suggest otherwise. Dr. John Gottman’s work reminds us that what truly makes relationships thrive is “small things, often.” It’s the everyday gestures—the listening, the turning toward, the sharing of stress and responsibility—that give meaning to moments like Valentine’s Day.
When partners are regularly neglected, emotionally avoided, or left carrying the weight of daily life alone, a grand Valentine’s gesture can feel hollow, performative, even cynical.
That’s where I want to draw an important distinction between caretaking and caring.
Caretaking is what we do out of obligation, guilt, or fear of conflict. It’s checking a box, keeping the peace, or trying to earn credit for being a “good partner.” It says, “I did what I was supposed to do and see, here’s the proof.”
Caring, on the other hand, is responsive, relational, and attuned. It’s motivated by genuine interest and presence; it is an authentic and heartfelt demonstration of how important our relationship is to me.
So if you want to be that partner who is valued for being yourself and not just what you do, here are a few ways to practice caring rather than caretaking, starting today:
“ Listening is not about problem solving, fixing, or giving advice. It is about being there for each other.”
1. Make time to truly listen—every day.
Be accessible, responsive, and engaged. Dr. Sue Johnson describes this as the A.R.E skills.:
Accessible: “I’m here, and I make time for you.”
Responsive: “I titrate my responses to what you need, not what I assume you need”.
Engaged: “Your needs and stressors matter to me and I can listen and engage with your experiences with curiosity, genuine interest, and empathy”.
2. Do small things often.
Pay attention to your partner’s wishes, dreams, and needs, and respond to theirs, not yours. Express appreciation. Share affection. Make time every day to express how important this relationship is to you through small gestures, words, and actions that make deposits into the emotional bank account with each other.
3. Ask open-ended questions—and stay curious.
Practice listening skills. Validate your partner’s experience to their satisfaction. Differences don’t have to be threats; they can be invitations to understand one another more deeply.
4. Learn the skills for emotional attunement and practice them often.
The Gottmans’ ATTUNE model offers a simple guide for simple action steps that build intimacy.
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Can you read or sense your partner’s emotions or emotional state?
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Turn towards your partner when you notice their emotional state whether it is to celebrate something positive or support them in something negative
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Tolerate negative affect because when you turn towards your partner and ask, “what’s up, babe”, you might hear complaints directed at you. Try not to be reactive. Staying neutral for even 30 seconds will help shift the tone of the conversation.
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Take time to understand your partner’s experience, needs, and ideas. Ask open ended questions, be curious, genuine and show that their reality matters and is important to you.
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Non-defensive responding is about practicing the antidote to defensiveness. Find something, however small, in what your partner said that you can understand, validate, or take some responsibility for (if the stressor is something you said or did).
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Empathize and try to walk in your partner’s shoes before sharing your own thoughts and experiences. Avoid giving unsolicited advice (it is rarely appreciated).
5. And finally, don’t forget yourself.
Caring doesn’t mean self-erasure. If you’re depleted, resentful, or chronically under-nourished, generosity will be hard. Ask yourself what caring for you looks like and, if possible, ask your partner directly for what you need. Yes, even if that means asking for chocolates or flowers. Desire isn’t shallow. It’s human.
After forty years together, my husband and I have learned that material gifts don’t top our list of what matters most. Time, connection, attention, and shared experiences do.
So this Valentine’s Day, we’ll treat it like any other day but with intention. For my husband, that may mean using AI to guide him through a fun cooking experiment (AI finally made cooking enjoyable for his engineer brain). For me, it means putting work aside, being fully present, and choosing something light and playful we can enjoy together.
On February 14, we’ll likely be sitting by candlelight at our kitchen table, listening to each other, laughing, and making small but precious memories together.
“That’s our hope for you too: not perfection, not performance, but genuine care. The kind that lasts far beyond Valentine’s Day.”