Boundaries & Self-Care During the Holidays
Boundaries & Self-Care During the Holidays
By Kira Glander, TCFR Marketing Director
The holiday season is often a busy time that places emphasis on our connections with our loved ones - which many of you know can lead to boundaries being crossed if not clearly established.
Boundaries are an essential part of self-care & building self-trust. So, what is a boundary? A boundary is an acknowledgement of what you are willing to accept or experience. A boundary is NOT setting an expectation of someone else, or controlling or changing their behavior. Setting a boundary comes from a place of love & respect, of yourself and your relationship with the other person, and can help create a safe container for honest conversations about our needs.
To set a boundary, use a simple, clear statement of what you will or will not engage with. Be concise - there is no need for over explanation. Often, we don’t realize a boundary needs to be set until after we’ve experienced the boundary being crossed. Remember to pause and take a breath before making your boundaries clear to gain control of your emotional response. Scroll to the end of this article for a list of examples of boundary-setting phrases.
In an ideal world, every boundary we communicate is respected & the conversation continues. However, it is very possible that when you set a boundary with someone, for instance, “I will not tolerate you commenting on my appearance,” they will push through or ignore your boundaries. Their behavior is out of your control, but you can enforce your boundaries with consequences.
Creating connected consequences for boundaries being crossed can help maintain your peace. Connected consequences are the actions that you will take that relate to the boundary that has been crossed. For example, if you set the boundary “I do not want to talk about my love life,” and your family continues to ask about your love life after you’ve changed the subject, you can choose to calmly leave the room or talk to someone else for a while.
Though it can be hard to keep your cool in situations like this, anger and frustration are useful tools to let us know a boundary has been crossed. Acknowledge your anger and allow yourself to feel it privately or with a trusted confidant instead of losing your temper with the person who is not respecting your boundaries. Say to yourself, “I’m about to have a reaction to this,” and take a deep breath to regulate your nervous system. Remember, you can’t control what they do, you can only control your own words & actions. Removing yourself from the situation when you start to feel heated is a helpful way to stay in integrity and avoid engaging in impulsive behavior.
It is also important to remember our boundaries with ourselves.
Make time to rest & recharge in a way that feels restorative to you without feeling guilty about taking a break. There is always more to be done, but it is essential to prioritize self care to avoid overwhelm & burnout.
Rest is more than just getting a good night’s sleep. Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, presents the 7 types of rest that every person needs. Take note of the different types of rest we can give ourselves, and which you may be lacking in your life:
Physical rest: Sleep or take a nap, eat a nourishing meal, do breathing exercises, stretch, restorative yoga & light exercise.
Mental rest: Find a way to connect with your mind & slow down your thoughts. Meditate, ground yourself in your body, practice stream of conscious journaling. Remove extra stimulation to give your mind a break, and take short breaks throughout the day.
Emotional rest: Allow yourself to be your authentic self, and share your true feelings in a safe space. If you don’t have someone you can talk to in the moment, write your feelings down in a journal. Let yourself feel whatever is coming up and know that all of your feelings are valid, and they are there to communicate with you. See if you can listen to what they are trying to say.
Social rest: Take time alone where you can process & re-coup, and recognize the relationships in your life where you can be together with ease and without being asked to give more time, energy, or effort than you’re able to.
Sensory rest: Turn off your phone, close your laptop, and find a place to be comfortable in quiet - even if only for a few moments at a time. If you can’t find a quiet space, grab some headphones & listen to nature sounds or soft, soothing music.
Spiritual rest: Find meaning in your day to day life. Gratitude practices & spending time in nature are wonderful ways to to reconnect with your spiritual self.
Creative rest: Take time to play in whatever realm you like to be creative in. Draw or paint a picture, play music or sing, write a poem, read an inspiring book.
Whether the holiday season inspires you to set boundaries with yourself or with others, take time to honor your emotions & acknowledge this act of self love. From all of us at The Center for Relationships, we wish you a wonderful holiday season full of love & connection.
Examples of boundary-setting phrases:
If someone pushes your boundary, or asks why you’re setting a boundary with them:
-I’m not ready for that right now.
-I need you to respect my boundaries so that we can build our relationship.
-This is about me, not you.
-If you aren’t respecting my boundaries, I will leave.
Physical Touch & Space:
-Please don’t touch me without my permission.
-If I don’t want a hug, you need to respect that.
-I will be staying at a hotel nearby this year.
Off-limits conversation topics:
-I don’t feel comfortable sharing that with you.
-I’m not ready to have that conversation with you.
-I’m not interested in having this conversation right now.
-I know you are trying to help but I am not asking for advice.
-If i need any advice on my life choices I will let you know.
-I understand your concern but this is my decision.
Arguments:
-I will not continue the conversation this way.
-I will not get in the middle of your arguments.
-I can see that you’re upset, we can have this conversation when you have calmed down.
-I will not allow you to speak to me that way. I am going to the other room.
-I am not interested in engaging in this with you.
-(simply walk away)
Criticism & guilt tripping:
-Commenting on my weight is inappropriate.
-Any rude comments about ___ will result in this conversation ending.
-If you continue to guilt trip or pressure me I will have to end this conversation.
-That’s not okay. (walk away)