The Line Between Assertiveness and Aggression: Are You Entitling or Un-Entitling Yourself?
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I recently worked with a couple where one partner said, “I am really frustrated with you, and I am entitled to express my frustration however I feel.”
On the surface, I don’t disagree. We are absolutely entitled to express our thoughts and feelings—that is the very essence of bringing our authentic selves into a relationship. We all long for this in our most intimate partnerships.
However, a more crucial question looms: Are we entitled to express our feelings however we want, and whenever we want, even if it hurts someone we love?The Aggressive Entitlement Trap
When we give ourselves permission to express thoughts or feelings with no filter—with no consideration for the impact on our partner—we risk crossing a boundary from healthy assertiveness into harmful aggression.
Assertive communication is healthy, clear, direct, and a cornerstone of good mental health. It means staying aligned and grounded within myself and speaking my truth, BUT (and this is an important but) without making the other person the bad guy.
When I entitle myself to vent without tact, restraint, or consideration, I am prioritizing my self-care at the potential expense of my partner. My words might feel like they are trampling on their right to be safe, loved, and protected from injury within the relationship.
The famous relationship theorist John Bowlby described true differentiation as being able to "hold on to myself, while staying in relationship with another person." This is the skill we all begin learning in childhood. As my four-year-old son wisely declared, “I like who I already am, I don’t want you to change me.” It’s a wonderful assertion of self, but the challenge for all of us, at every age, is learning to express our feelings honestly and directly while staying empathically connected to how our words land on someone else.The Problem with Un-Entitling Yourself (Passive-Aggression)
This is no better and can be more harmful to your own mental health. People who suppress, minimize, avoid, or brush their feelings under the rug may think they are putting their emotions away, but those unexpressed thoughts and feelings often live in the closet of your mind, influencing your expression in sneaky, indirect ways.
Have you ever had a conversation with an avoider? It can be incredibly frustrating and mystifying. Individuals trying to avoid aggression or conflict often find that their legitimate frustrations leak out in the form of zingers, side comments, under-the-breath jabs, or a sharp tone. This is often the definition of passive-aggressive behavior in psychological literature: you are afraid to express negative emotions or have already predicted your needs won’t be respected, so you communicate your hidden anger indirectly. You have, in effect, outlawed your own anger.
While expressing anger without considering the impact on others is unhelpful, outlawing anger can be worse. The more we suppress, the more the internal pressure grows. Sabotaging a relationship with passive-aggressive acts rarely works. It is far healthier to find ways to express your thoughts directly, respectfully, and assertively so both you and your partner can collaborate and communicate without escalating into a gridlocked conflict.5 Keys to Assertive, Compassionate Communication
When you have a complaint, learn to express it as a positive request or a wish, rather than a criticism or a punch to your partner's ego. As Dr. John Gottman says, “All of us want to be loved and accepted for who we already are.” When we feel that unconditional acceptance, we become more willing and available to accept our partner’s influence.
Here are five key ways to express your truth in an assertive manner:
Own the Problem: Use "I" statements to express your internal experience, not your partner's failings. If you're upset about a lack of weekend time, try saying, “I am really struggling with feeling disconnected from you because I haven’t had enough time with you lately. I miss spending time with you! Can you help me figure out a way to get more time with us?” You get more rewards with honey than vinegar.
Describe the Scene, Not the Person: Focus on the behavior and the impact it has on you, not a judgment of your partner’s character. “I get really triggered when we are talking about our vacation plans and I begin to hear things like, ‘either we do this or I am out.’ I would like to have more of a voice or influence in the decision we make because I want to be excited and enthusiastic about this trip too.”
Find the Positive Wish: Complaints are simply wishes and desires expressed in a negative way. Find the positive desire underneath the complaint and express that. Instead of, “Stop Yelling!” say, “Please talk to me softly,” or “I would like our conversations to feel more respectful; how can we work together on that?”
Don’t Hoard Your Complaints: Putting up with something that is irritating will not earn you appreciation. When you finally speak up and say, "This is the third time," or "You do this constantly," your partner will inevitably focus on whether they agree with your tally—not the actual complaint or wish. Address issues directly and as they occur.
Reflect Before You Respond: If you feel strongly triggered, angry, or upset, take time to journal and reflect on your reaction first. Learn to speak for your anger instead of becoming your anger. Often, a current frustration is a "hot button" that gets pushed because it connects to a past trauma or historical dynamic. Before engaging your partner, ask yourself, “Am I making them responsible for healing my past resentments?”
Whether you entitle or un-entitle yourself to expressing your feelings, the goal is always the same: to be true to yourself while staying compassionate and assertive. This is how we build a relationship where both partners can thrive.