Connection: What we can learn from the Redwoods about weathering life’s inevitable storms
Standing beneath a grove of giant redwoods, you can’t help but feel small. They rise impossibly high into the sky, ancient, steady, unshakable. And yet, what keeps them standing is not what you would expect. They have a surprisingly shallow root system. Small winds could easily uproot them if they had to rely only on their root system. Their ability to weather storms does not come from the strength of their individual rootedness, but from their connection to their community. By intertwining their limited root system with the entire ecosystem around them, they gain incredible stability and are able to weather the most devastating of storms.
We can learn a lot from the redwoods about how to stand upright and persevere even in turbulent times.
It is not about how tall and majestic we are as individuals, but our connection to others that allows us to thrive in turbulent times.
Building Connection: Preparing for the Storm
The connections in the redwood’s root system did not occur overnight. It is developed slowly over time, with new connections occurring each day and each connection growing in strength over a period of years, not days. Similarly, interpersonal connection and intimacy does not occur overnight. It is the result of hundreds, if not thousands, of small gestures over a long extended period of time that communicate “I love you”, “I care about you”, and “I am here for you”.
Connection is the result of SMALL THINGS OFTEN that look like this:
A kiss every morning or on the way out or a genuine hug at the end of each day.
Looking your partner in the eyes when they are sharing with you.
Offering a gentle touch or smile as you pass by.
Saying “thank you” for something ordinary that they do every day.
Asking about their day and listening with interest and curiosity.
Providing small compliments or words of affirmation.
Laughing and playing together.
A genuine apology when you have hurt them.
Joining them on an activity you would not choose.
Each of these actions may seem small and insignificant on their own, but over time create incredible connection that brings strength and stability when faced with challenges inside and outside of the relationship.
Unfortunately, connection does not come automatically. Life gets busy, and when there are no storms on the horizon, it is easy to overlook the importance of these small acts of connection. A work project or personal activity keeps us from checking in. A notification on our phone pulls our attention away from our partner. Kids activities squeeze out adult relational time. Before we know it, we are living parallel disconnected lives in the same house (Gottman and Silver, 2015). Just like connection, disconnection happens slowly over time; it is unnoticed until a storm comes into our lives and we are not equipped or prepared for navigating this challenge.
For this reason, couples need to establish “Rituals of Connection.”
Small habits that we do almost without thinking, each day that connects us.
Take time this week to reflect on these questions with your partner:
What’s Your Relational Connection Ecosystem?
The real stability of the redwoods comes from more than just their connection to one another. Their roots connect to the entire ecosystem surrounding them, including the ferns, the sorrel, and even the fungi in the soil, creating a vast network to draw support and stability from. Similarly, our ability to thrive as a couple depends on more than just our connection to one another. Standing tall and facing life’s greatest challenges requires a connection that goes beyond our relationship. It requires a connection to a community.
Community, like relational connection, is not built overnight. It is slowly developed over time. Historically, communities developed naturally as a result of proximity and dependency such as neighborhoods, religion, community centers, etc. However, our society has become increasingly mobile and less dependent on those within our city or neighborhood. Technology has allowed us to build broader networks that may be global but they may not provide the communal and personal circle of support that provides a foundation of connection and stability when life's brings challenges or unexpected changes, that can destabilize even the strongest relationships.
A focus on developing your relational “ecosystem” is critical for being prepared for the ups and downs life will inevitably bring. The natural development of community that occurred 50 years ago due to daily interactions with family, co-workers, school, faith, activities, and civic involvement is no longer occurring. It is something we have to make a conscious effort to develop. This week, take a moment to discuss with your partner the health of your ecosystem. If something happened tomorrow, who would be there to support you? If you needed childcare, who would you call? If something happened to one of you, who would you have to lean on?
Set some time aside to discuss what you as a couple want to do to strengthen your ecosystem.
Identify some couples that share your value system and discuss how you build that friendship.
Do you know the neighbors who live around you? What can you do to meet them or strengthen that relationship?
Do you know the parents of your kids' classmates? Do they have friends that it would make sense to meet their parents?
Is there family or friends you need to connect with?
Does your partner know your co-workers?
Remember the Redwoods
Thriving, not just surviving life’s storms requires connection. While the Redwoods are strong and majestic in stature, their strength and stability in turbulent times come from the longstanding, unseen connections with one another and their ecosystem that has been developed over time.
As you reflect on your own relationship, what connections are you building today that will bring you strength and stability during the inevitable challenges life will bring your way? Your ability as an individual and couple to weather the storms ahead depends more on what you are doing today than what you do when the storm arrives.
Love endures because it is tended to in small consistent ways: Make tending your relationship a daily habit. Download our free Daily Connection Guide for a helpful guide to practice with.